Thursday, November 6, 2008 Y 11:19 PM
recently so many things happen and i changed alot. The perception i have towards this relationship has changed tremendously. I no longer feel the same way i used to. My heart feels so cold. I can no longer feel warmth anymore. I know I'm no longer as cheerful and nice to him. but what can i do, He has caused me tO feel so in balanced. I get angry easily, flare up easily because i feel no matter what he do is never enough to make up for the hurt he caused me. We have been together for so long, he has hurt me too many times, this time round is the final verdict. I can no longer be hurt anymore, for i wont be able to take it. These few days i hasn't been happy. I got to put up a strong front to show its not hurting me so bad. But the thing is its hurting me real bad. The reason why it hurt so much is not because the action is the main thing.But the principle behind it. I cannot stand my boyfriend betraying me, moreover. before that i have been trying to do my part. After so much this is what i get. these few morning i wake up with a heavy feeling.Usually when i wake up, the first thing i wanna hear is his voice. But this morning i hesitated. I refrain myself to do so. But after an hour or so, i still called. cause no matter how much i am angry with him, i had the urge to knw what he is doing, i refrain myself from doing alot of things, like being vry nice to him, like being understanding towards him. I show him attitude because i feel vry angry with him , till date. I cannot believe the one i love would deliberately hurt me. Im so afraid that all this promises he made are jus empty talks. IT will probably fade away after a while. Im so afraid cos despite the promises , i stil feel that he has many other priorities before me. What can i do , the hurt is done. It has damaged my feelings, it has once again made me feel how vulnerable i am. Our relationship was alrights. but he had to cause this R/S damaged. Im so tired to move on, how i wished i can be like myself again, I always have a feeling. Sometime i feel so blissed with him, some times i feel so pathetic. Right now, im writing this, tears jus flow down my eyes. the pain feels like a thousand needles poking thru my heart. I have not feel so upset for so many days le. I usually get over things real fast, like usually when we quarrel, i'll be fine after 24 hours or even lesser. But three days has pass, i still feel i cannot cope with my feelings. Or the way i feel, i have become so irrational. 说好的幸福呢， 我心好痛 why do u have to torture me time and time again. Help me get through this rough patch as soon as can, perhaps time can heal all wounds. But for now, it really gonna hurt real bad. was i happier w/o you? i Really have no idea. I wish somebody could take me away from all this sufferings.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008 Y 4:08 AM
i swear i wont cry, even as tears fill my eyes. My heart hurts real bad. Much as i would like to forgive you. I really dont knw why. The reason that holding me back because i dun wish to be hurt anymore. Im really very upset. the pain is excruciating. do you really care for me? Do you really love me?Do you really care for this relationship. If you care for me, why in the first place you wanna hurt me?
I have never feel so badly hurt. Usually after a while, i tend to get things over vry fast. but now, my heart still feel so heavy and painful. I really dun knw wad to do anymore. I so stupid to cry for you time and time again. I wish i could be stronger. Eveerytime i blog it shows how unhappy i am. Im so sad and unhappy. Tell me what can i do. I really dun knw hw already. CAn some one teach me what to do. IM REALLY VRY UNH APPY!IM FEELING SO FUCKED UP!!! I jus dun wan to be hurt anymore. I dun wish to be unhappy anymore. am i really so lousy? and inferior. I begining tO lOse faith in our relationship.
MICHELLE NG.